working
thinking
chatting
brain washing
culture in the organization?
finger pointing
self centered
want improvement but unwilling to change
myself?
thinking
wondering
am not talking
doing my work
blogging
gaining weight
stress level gone up
crap..
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Do not Question My way of LoVe
Can't think straight now. I'm sleepy, but I can't sleep. I have friends, but I'm lonely. It seems like I always appear as a friend in a wrong timing, wrong place, to the wrong person. When I love, no one bothers; When I dis love, they say I was just fooling around; When I'm hurt, they say I'm dumb, worst when they said I'm wrong. Why only when I'm hurt, then only someone realized my love? Why when I love, they say I'm confused? Isn't it best if when I love someone, I remain silence, knowing it only to myself? He said he was sorry, both us said can't let go, both us said we have to go on, and today I got a scrap box message, written "Never give up on someone you can't go on a day without thinking about"
Guess what I learnt today? I'm still plain me.
There will be a day, I believe, the day when finally someone finally brave enough to admit, to appreciate, to share, and to grow old together with my love.
I just don't understand, what is wrong about being honest of my feelings? What is wrong with being passionate? What is wrong saying I love you to the person I really care about? Why doubt it when I'm passionate? Don't try to question it after you doubt it, hurt me and I left.
A fact = I've been there; but I can never be there again, for you or maybe myself, have push me away.
"Just say it", that is what people always choose to believe to, only directly from the person's mouth, we are willing to give up.
"just say it, tell me you don't love me anymore, and tell me you want me out of your life, then I shall be gone,vanished forever in your life," Is that what you want me to say? Or is that what I want to hear?
Or maybe, I'm waiting for God to tell me,"you don't even know what love is! you don't deserve anyone!"
Anyway, what the heck, he has his love, he sees his love in that, and I bet he hopes in what he is going through right now, what more can I say? I'm no different at all. We both are trying to do something, to love someone.. what more can I say? For you, I will live well, without needing you to worry. If only I can say it once more.. I can't even write it out, for it hurts so much within.. if only I could do it.
To whom I shall rely on?
To whom I shall cry to?
No one else, but myself.
Not dad, not mom;
not my brothers, not my sisters;
Only myself,
the inner self,
whispering"it's him, it's him,"
conflicting with,"let him go, let him go,"
To whom I shall rely on?
To whom I shall cry to?
No one else, but myself.
To love you,
I will always be good.
I will be good.
Guess what I learnt today? I'm still plain me.
There will be a day, I believe, the day when finally someone finally brave enough to admit, to appreciate, to share, and to grow old together with my love.
I just don't understand, what is wrong about being honest of my feelings? What is wrong with being passionate? What is wrong saying I love you to the person I really care about? Why doubt it when I'm passionate? Don't try to question it after you doubt it, hurt me and I left.
A fact = I've been there; but I can never be there again, for you or maybe myself, have push me away.
"Just say it", that is what people always choose to believe to, only directly from the person's mouth, we are willing to give up.
"just say it, tell me you don't love me anymore, and tell me you want me out of your life, then I shall be gone,vanished forever in your life," Is that what you want me to say? Or is that what I want to hear?
Or maybe, I'm waiting for God to tell me,"you don't even know what love is! you don't deserve anyone!"
Anyway, what the heck, he has his love, he sees his love in that, and I bet he hopes in what he is going through right now, what more can I say? I'm no different at all. We both are trying to do something, to love someone.. what more can I say? For you, I will live well, without needing you to worry. If only I can say it once more.. I can't even write it out, for it hurts so much within.. if only I could do it.
To whom I shall rely on?
To whom I shall cry to?
No one else, but myself.
Not dad, not mom;
not my brothers, not my sisters;
Only myself,
the inner self,
whispering"it's him, it's him,"
conflicting with,"let him go, let him go,"
To whom I shall rely on?
To whom I shall cry to?
No one else, but myself.
To love you,
I will always be good.
I will be good.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
1st and 2nd May 2008
A great day it was!
All I needed was someone whom I miss to be there, and maybe to listen to my worries, to give some opinions, when things didn't turn out right for me.
I thought it would be a great week like it was being planned. I will go for the fear factor event; come back in the afternoon and spend time with Catch; if possible, join my brother and family in the family picnic, without needing to take mc. Well, my job required me to come out a decision; Catch's flight was canceled at the very last minute; event crews managed to get a replacement when I said I couldn't join them; brother changed the picnic date when I told him I will spend my day with Catch. So, 1st May 2008, I was home. No fear factor, no family picnic, no Catch. 2nd May 2008, went to the doctor, did my check up, which I'm glad I did take the mc; back home be prepared for the family picnic as my brother had planned.
The picnic was fun, had some precious moments with my darling KX, fooling around, enjoyed the sun bathing, enjoyed the wave and built some "precious holes" at the beach.. haha. It was a waste that I couldn't get any picture of the day, it seems like my brother's camera faced some technical problems. lol.
Well, whole day it was about eating and fooling around. However, did had a small talk with my brother about my job. Still decision wasn't come out yet. Maybe I do know what is my decision, it was just I didn't feel happy of that decision. As if I was forced to make that decision, not on my willingness.
Anyway, I started this blog last week but I couldn't finished it earlier because I was so emotional disturbed the past few days... I have gave my decision, that is to stay and remain in the current company as well as department. Clearly, I was not happy at all with that decision, I cried three times on Monday. 2 times were during work, after I was being asked by concerned people about the reason I have such idea to leave, and about what's my decision; another time was a silence cry within myself while I was on my way heading to Penang.
Maybe you might think, I'm just being a kid here, so little thing but I cried?? Sometimes, there are things that we are unable to put in words for others to understand. It's just plain me, with all the sense of responsibility and logicalness, or what's is right to be done etc.
Wish I could write and share more of my thoughts, but I'm worry whatever I write, might scare some people away. You see, I have a lot of friends kept telling me, I'm being too serious about life. I think too much they say. I would like to ask,"Why is it only the bad consequences that you see? Why never have a deep thought about what are the good behind my seriousness?" For me, it is the maturity of thinking that matters, regardless of your age. Sigh. nah, maybe I should change.. else I'll be forever standing alone, like a coconut tree, bending down as time passes by.
All I needed was someone whom I miss to be there, and maybe to listen to my worries, to give some opinions, when things didn't turn out right for me.
I thought it would be a great week like it was being planned. I will go for the fear factor event; come back in the afternoon and spend time with Catch; if possible, join my brother and family in the family picnic, without needing to take mc. Well, my job required me to come out a decision; Catch's flight was canceled at the very last minute; event crews managed to get a replacement when I said I couldn't join them; brother changed the picnic date when I told him I will spend my day with Catch. So, 1st May 2008, I was home. No fear factor, no family picnic, no Catch. 2nd May 2008, went to the doctor, did my check up, which I'm glad I did take the mc; back home be prepared for the family picnic as my brother had planned.
The picnic was fun, had some precious moments with my darling KX, fooling around, enjoyed the sun bathing, enjoyed the wave and built some "precious holes" at the beach.. haha. It was a waste that I couldn't get any picture of the day, it seems like my brother's camera faced some technical problems. lol.
Well, whole day it was about eating and fooling around. However, did had a small talk with my brother about my job. Still decision wasn't come out yet. Maybe I do know what is my decision, it was just I didn't feel happy of that decision. As if I was forced to make that decision, not on my willingness.
Anyway, I started this blog last week but I couldn't finished it earlier because I was so emotional disturbed the past few days... I have gave my decision, that is to stay and remain in the current company as well as department. Clearly, I was not happy at all with that decision, I cried three times on Monday. 2 times were during work, after I was being asked by concerned people about the reason I have such idea to leave, and about what's my decision; another time was a silence cry within myself while I was on my way heading to Penang.
Maybe you might think, I'm just being a kid here, so little thing but I cried?? Sometimes, there are things that we are unable to put in words for others to understand. It's just plain me, with all the sense of responsibility and logicalness, or what's is right to be done etc.
Wish I could write and share more of my thoughts, but I'm worry whatever I write, might scare some people away. You see, I have a lot of friends kept telling me, I'm being too serious about life. I think too much they say. I would like to ask,"Why is it only the bad consequences that you see? Why never have a deep thought about what are the good behind my seriousness?" For me, it is the maturity of thinking that matters, regardless of your age. Sigh. nah, maybe I should change.. else I'll be forever standing alone, like a coconut tree, bending down as time passes by.
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