I lost count..
how many times had you ignored me the whole day without a single word from you?
What is this? are we even a couple in a new relationship? I am talking about a 3 months old relationship, which the part where you ignored me the first time started.. what.. the first week we "announced", or you announced we are in a relationship. WTF!!
I know myself too well, I am still at the tolerance stage. Once I think I have had enough.. I hate to say hello again.
This day, you shouted at me in the public. You shouted at me, as if I'm a kid. You shouted at me.
This ain't a healthy thing in a relationship.
Another disappointment.
Heart broken.
Unforgiven..
Unforgettable.
Let's see when's next.. and what's next or waiting for me after the shouting..
Two hours sitting here in front of my netbook.. wanting to write something, not something useful to share with, but something about my feelings, about how shall I express myself in current state. I can't seem to find some nice way to express it. Well, expressing anger, disappointments, sadness etc, it doesn't need to be nice, we could just simply write it out. But.. I would really really want to write something which can describe exactly how I feel, at the moment..
I feel like crying.. I feel so helpless.. I feel lost.. I feel lonely.. and I feel there is too much to write, which I do not know, from which point of my life exactly, that I should start writing about. As the matter of fact, I just wanted to write about my current relationship, which is only 3 months old! And why I can't seem to write anything at all about it? I have cried so much, I have had the laughter too, but why.. am not in any words to describe them?
Once again, I just feel like, I want to give up everything, I want to run away, far away again. I can't, I really can't afford another cry. Maybe.. the wall is up again, without I knowing this time. but I do know, I do not want to come between anything or anyone that is matters to him, and make him in a difficult situation. but heck, why am I still thinking about this at the minute, when the fact is, I am totally disappointed of how I was treated. He couldn't be bothered to bring to talk, should I am in any situation like emotional or moody. He would just walk away and ignore, and only talk to me later, as if nothing was wrong with me.
I don't even feel like writing now.. the more I write, the more I feel the sour in my heart. Why must I put myself in such situation? Where has my courage and pride gone? Why am I keeping silence when I am being treated this way? Too afraid of losing a relationship? Or too afraid of arguements? I hate arguements.. I hate quarrels..
Over the years, I have built up an attitude of I ain't gonna quarrel with anyone.. is that the reason why I am in this mess of my relationship? I just keep quiet; I complaint, but only to others.. I am one messed up person.. I am stupid.. sigh.. my relationship, ain't gonna go far.
爱情。。节奏不对了，委屈太多了。
怎么那么理所当然的：“我应该了解？”
怎么我说的话，你都不听？你不要就算了罢吗？难不成，我担心多了，不该吗？还是，我还是苯到不可以？
爱你，怎么那么累？怎么我尊重你，却得那么委屈自己？为何你可以不高兴，为何你可以耍脾气，为何我就得什么都听你的？
疼我是这样的吗？你认为对的就是了？哪，我要的，我想的，我说的呢？
你真要这样对我吗？我心情不好，你就放我一个面对情绪？真的要如此的冷静，如此的成熟吗？
I have been isolated in my own world, protecting myself from any other person, whom came by and try to hurt my feelings.
Yet, 3 months back, without much considerations, I allowed someone new, came into my life. It was rather sweet at the beginning, yet it tested my limits to the maximum. I do not understand, why am I allowing myself being dragged into the emotional state like such.
Did I make reasons for him for what he has done? I am not sure. I do know, if I ever feel emotional towards how I was treated, it seems meaningless to confront him, at all. Somehow, it's useless for me to be emotional or being moody in front of him. He ain't the type of guy whom could come and console you, when you are emotional. He doesn't seem to be the type of guy that come by and sweet talk to you when you are moody. He would leave you alone, face your own emotion, and then the next day, he would ask,"Have you feel better already?"
Yes, you want a mature relationship, you want a mature mind, but you can't expect myself to be logical and rational all the time. Where's my rights to be emotional once a while? Where's my chance to be moody and being a woman once a while? All this three months I am with you, the one thing I am always stress about it, I can't even being a childish person for once, in an emotional way. If it was just a joke, being childish in jokes, that's fine. You choose not to talk to me when I am emotional. Why?
I am soon to be 30, yet I still want to be a princess once awhile. Is that not allowed?
At times, when I tried to share something of my daily life incidents, you do not seem to listen much, before I could finished my sharing, you talked about something else, and never bothered to return to my topic.
It's fun that you brought me into your family life. Other than that, do you see myself as myself? Or did you judge me already?
A new chapter in my life. I do not know what am I doing.. Why I don't feel happy talking about us when I shared with my friends?
I like you much, but why is this happening this way?
