I lost count..
how many times had you ignored me the whole day without a single word from you?
What is this? are we even a couple in a new relationship? I am talking about a 3 months old relationship, which the part where you ignored me the first time started.. what.. the first week we "announced", or you announced we are in a relationship. WTF!!
I know myself too well, I am still at the tolerance stage. Once I think I have had enough.. I hate to say hello again.
This day, you shouted at me in the public. You shouted at me, as if I'm a kid. You shouted at me.
This ain't a healthy thing in a relationship.
Another disappointment.
Heart broken.
Unforgiven..
Unforgettable.
Let's see when's next.. and what's next or waiting for me after the shouting..
Two hours sitting here in front of my netbook.. wanting to write something, not something useful to share with, but something about my feelings, about how shall I express myself in current state. I can't seem to find some nice way to express it. Well, expressing anger, disappointments, sadness etc, it doesn't need to be nice, we could just simply write it out. But.. I would really really want to write something which can describe exactly how I feel, at the moment..
I feel like crying.. I feel so helpless.. I feel lost.. I feel lonely.. and I feel there is too much to write, which I do not know, from which point of my life exactly, that I should start writing about. As the matter of fact, I just wanted to write about my current relationship, which is only 3 months old! And why I can't seem to write anything at all about it? I have cried so much, I have had the laughter too, but why.. am not in any words to describe them?
Once again, I just feel like, I want to give up everything, I want to run away, far away again. I can't, I really can't afford another cry. Maybe.. the wall is up again, without I knowing this time. but I do know, I do not want to come between anything or anyone that is matters to him, and make him in a difficult situation. but heck, why am I still thinking about this at the minute, when the fact is, I am totally disappointed of how I was treated. He couldn't be bothered to bring to talk, should I am in any situation like emotional or moody. He would just walk away and ignore, and only talk to me later, as if nothing was wrong with me.
I don't even feel like writing now.. the more I write, the more I feel the sour in my heart. Why must I put myself in such situation? Where has my courage and pride gone? Why am I keeping silence when I am being treated this way? Too afraid of losing a relationship? Or too afraid of arguements? I hate arguements.. I hate quarrels..
Over the years, I have built up an attitude of I ain't gonna quarrel with anyone.. is that the reason why I am in this mess of my relationship? I just keep quiet; I complaint, but only to others.. I am one messed up person.. I am stupid.. sigh.. my relationship, ain't gonna go far.
爱情。。节奏不对了，委屈太多了。
怎么那么理所当然的：“我应该了解？”
怎么我说的话，你都不听？你不要就算了罢吗？难不成，我担心多了，不该吗？还是，我还是苯到不可以？
爱你，怎么那么累？怎么我尊重你，却得那么委屈自己？为何你可以不高兴，为何你可以耍脾气，为何我就得什么都听你的？
疼我是这样的吗？你认为对的就是了？哪，我要的，我想的，我说的呢？
你真要这样对我吗？我心情不好，你就放我一个面对情绪？真的要如此的冷静，如此的成熟吗？
I have been isolated in my own world, protecting myself from any other person, whom came by and try to hurt my feelings.
Yet, 3 months back, without much considerations, I allowed someone new, came into my life. It was rather sweet at the beginning, yet it tested my limits to the maximum. I do not understand, why am I allowing myself being dragged into the emotional state like such.
Did I make reasons for him for what he has done? I am not sure. I do know, if I ever feel emotional towards how I was treated, it seems meaningless to confront him, at all. Somehow, it's useless for me to be emotional or being moody in front of him. He ain't the type of guy whom could come and console you, when you are emotional. He doesn't seem to be the type of guy that come by and sweet talk to you when you are moody. He would leave you alone, face your own emotion, and then the next day, he would ask,"Have you feel better already?"
Yes, you want a mature relationship, you want a mature mind, but you can't expect myself to be logical and rational all the time. Where's my rights to be emotional once a while? Where's my chance to be moody and being a woman once a while? All this three months I am with you, the one thing I am always stress about it, I can't even being a childish person for once, in an emotional way. If it was just a joke, being childish in jokes, that's fine. You choose not to talk to me when I am emotional. Why?
I am soon to be 30, yet I still want to be a princess once awhile. Is that not allowed?
At times, when I tried to share something of my daily life incidents, you do not seem to listen much, before I could finished my sharing, you talked about something else, and never bothered to return to my topic.
It's fun that you brought me into your family life. Other than that, do you see myself as myself? Or did you judge me already?
A new chapter in my life. I do not know what am I doing.. Why I don't feel happy talking about us when I shared with my friends?
I like you much, but why is this happening this way?
工作不谈了；
没有我爱吃的花生炒ikan bilis；也没有什么雪糕；
那就算了。。
夜晚的一份分享，我心却哭了。
心疼缘分的作弄，心疼人生的坎坷，心疼我好友的心疼。
我无法好好安慰，无法陪在她身边，忆起当年相识时，
感叹这一路走来，风雨不断。。。
儿时，事情好简单 - 只因我们懂得少；
现今，世事好辽阔 - 不是咱们懂得多，只是该顾虑的范围，宽了。
爱情
是脆弱 还是坚固?
为好友分析的同时
我自问我自己
若果是我
我能否有如我所分析的
那么坚强 那么理智？
爱情
可以一辈子
但相处。。。 可以吗？
勇气
何等重要
一念之差
或许就是一辈子
是美满 是遗憾
是什么决定了一个人对爱的誓言
她说
“我见不到我们的未来”
我想
真的看得到未来是如何吗？
今日的一切
是否就是咱们的将来？
我说
“Set your focus, whether to walk it together or not; as for the rest, you plan it after you've decided on your focus”
我 不懂
一对一起走过事业的起落
一对一起经历生活里的纠纷
那是一段什么样的爱情
我曾走过的
一起读书 一起吵架
冷战不过于下一个天亮
上课前见面 下课后再见面
很自然很自在也没太多的顾虑
那只不过是学生的生涯
后来的日子
社会的丑陋 工作的挣扎
被人欺负的日子 学着成长的日子
一一自己承受
忘了何谓恋爱 不懂何谓空间
我 该如何来安慰。。。
说着说着
电话断了线
我有点儿彷徨
我已失去了安抚她心的能力
“You have me, whenever I am needed. I may not speak the nicest word, but I would try to be the best listener."
懂爱的人
曾经的过去
使人更懂得珍惜现在
也更害怕再次的伤害
伤己 也伤人
爱情
人说简单爱就好
其实
它不简单
它需要经营 更需要精神
一个不小心 又是一辈子
当你很爱很爱一个人时
你会害怕失去他
更害怕委屈了他
因为你会担心
自己给不了
他要的幸福
回家的路上
我哭了。
Was that the first time, or was that the one of those times, that I tears because of the system?
I have lost count of it.
Once, Nie told me before, "Hooi, don't ever cry for a job, for you are only working for others, you are nothing tomorrow if you were to leave," I am not sure if this statement is still valid, as it was in year 2007 she told me that.
I don't change.. or I haven't change, or maybe I should say, I haven't learnt; or maybe I got smart a little already?
Not about the job, but about how well do I blend into the culture.
However, I did in fact adapt to a character, I don't argue. And for that, I guess I still pissed someone off. When I am silence, it doesn't always mean that I am wrong, or that I admit I am wrong. I just don't want to make things worst. Instead, focus on how to solve it.. Please don't take things too personally, please don't call up and burst out everything when I am in front of the client, and please don't hang up my phone.
I am not a kid, but I am a damn clumsy and blur and hell forgetful person.
Hm. Things has changed. How do you expect me to know all the procedures when you want to do it accordingly, if you do not let me know clearly, that "things has changed"?
It used to be, "hm, this and this and this is what I need, how to get all these?" then there will be,"ok, i will get it," My work was easy, because I know I have a very kind General helping out, even though I asked almost everytime, what should I do, and always I will get an aswer,"I'll do it,"
Just out sudden, I am expected to know everything.. to be honest, I seriously didn't know.
Well, it could be I am just plain "no cure". It could be the lack of communications.
I stay, for I made a promise.
I stay, for I respect and trust.
I stay, for I look at us as one family.
I stay, for I understand the cause.
but,
most of the time,
why am I feeling I am just a nobody?
My guess, you have a plan.
I will see, if I am able to wait till the day
to witness and to make a big laugh out of myself.
All in all, I still love the name.
All in all, I still hate how environment affects ones character.
The reality of a person's value is shown.
I look back..
if the time stops anytime we want it to,
I want to walk across the time,
back to the very first day,
and capture every moment,
paste it on the wall,
on the table,
in the washroom,
wherever it is,
there must be hundred or thousand..
the high and the low..
that's the reminder..
of how I used to be so in love with this family.
