Over the line, "Can you hold on with me?" he said.
That morning, he was so emotional, he was so hurt, of what is going on, of what went wrong, also questioned his ability in protecting his own family. Without further discussion and talking, he went off for prayers and resting.
That evening, he spent on shopping.
That late night, we talked.
"Can you hold on with me?"
"I don't want to lose you,"
"I'm getting there,"
"Everything comes easy, lose easy,"
Yesterday, "Don't ever get involve with a pilot," he said.
For the first time ever, I almost lost my temper in front of him. It felt as if there was tears in my eyes. I guess, my mood was a little influenced by my buddy's (BN) mood, who seek for my companion and dropped tears for the first time, in front of me. Maybe that was why I almost lost my temper? BN was telling me, she's so lost, felt as if whatever actions and decisions she had taken before were all mistakes. I didn't find it a surprise of what she told me, I have been through what she is going through right now, in fact, I think I'm still in the situation. I told BN, that she has make an improvement today, for realizing the fact that sometimes she doesn't need to win in every arguments; for realizing that she has been repeating her mistakes, and for knowning the reasons why she has been behaving so. The most important is, she has made the first move by sharing her problems and doubts with a friend, instead of keeping all to herself. I told her, that was the reason why she couldn't let go of her stress, that was the reason why at times she felt so lost.
While I was trying to make her feel better, I shared with her my own experiences. There, I too realized some things that I have never look into before. As the result, I was kind of emotion affected as well, but still I kept cool, for the priority was to be my buddy's companion. Till I got a call and heard of the statement, I guess, I started to question myself, does it worth it? One side clapping, it doesn't work. Am I in an one sided situation here?
In the day, I called G, she's my best mate. That call was meant to ask about hair salon. It ended with my story with my Catch. Some little things I heard from her and about the other friends within the group. Some advices and opinions from her. The only one that caught my attention was,"Could it because of the kids, that's why he wants you?" Could it be? Possible. She asked,"There must be something he did, that's why she could do something as such. A wife will always give chances to a husband,". I defended him in this, but it does make sense, isn't it? When something went wrong, it always involved at least two parties. It is because there was disagreements between both parties, that was why things went wrong. Still, sometimes, it just couldn't be explained, people just changed; situation changed; feelings changed; environment changed... What am I thinking now? I fought for it, fighting myself, believing in love does exist, be strong and be there, yet questions and statements kept on making me feel weak.. why? I do scare, I do worry; all I'm asking for is supports to be strong, confidence to stay on. If there is no confidence, should I hold on still?
I felt the desire of having a fairy tale in him at times, but was that what I felt, or was that only my assumptions of what he wants? He ain't confident in these, I ain't either. I try to stand strong and firm, I ain't facing any other problems other than MONEY NOT ENOUGH (haha), ain't I supposed to be stronger than he is? Yes, I'm starting to feel lost. I know this path is tough, but I seriously do not know, how am I supposed to make myself prepared for the situations I may face. How tough it will become? I told BN that actually relationship is very simple, as long as you handle the communication well, as long as you handle well the human interations... but, am I able to do so? It still need both side. Does distance really affect much in the communication? For me, yes, it certainly does.
"I would rather work than stay home and see her,"
Denying is the word I have. Avoiding is another. Confront yourself, accept the fact, it may be hard, but in time, it does make your life easier. Why let someone else misbehaviour controls your emotions and actions? Worst when it makes you don't feel like going home.
Today, of a short conversation through phone, I noticed, she's tensed; she's shocked; he's frustuated; he's confused; what is she trying to do now? A conclusion came into my mind, "They're trying to pissed each other off, to make each other feel how it felt like when they were treated wrongly," Emotional actions? Let me tell you, she'll be back, on what reason, I do not know, there are some possibilities. I'm telling myself, "Let's see what happens in the next few days,"
"Do you know what you are getting yourself into or not,"
I do not know.
Below are my statements to BN when she says,"As a friend, just wouldn't want to see you fall and hurt, again and again,"
"Do my part well, for this is what I have feeling for,"
"I know I need to get myself psychologically prepared of the concequences, the possible reunion of his family, the happily ever after of theirs, the sorry and the awaken of his confused actions, as well as mine; but now, currently, I've been telling I will be there, and that's what I will do, I may be a little confused and maybe wanting to give up.. but I'll be there as long as I'm still having the courage to stand strong,"
"I'm able to let go if I want to, I may be sad for days, but I'll be alright pretty soon, it's just another type of feelings,"
"Family is my goal, to build a family, it isn't easy; It's just the same as you are trying to build your career. You need to do it step by step. Family isn't about liking someone, falling in love, sign the paper, and there you have the family. Family is something you have to carefully nurture, showering it, taking care of it, spending your time and effort, it is the same concept as you are trying to keep your career safe... that was why, I used to have this concept that I will want to be in relationship at least 7 or 8 years before marriage, just like my brothers,"
Questions to answer? Or answers to questions? :-
"Is he the one?" Is there answer to every questions?
"Why do you fall for me?" Must there a reason?
"Do I know what is love?" Does love has the same definition in everyone's understanding?
"Is it simply just a feeling?" How if it is? How if it is not? Feelings can be developed, it as well can be vanished in a second. When there is feelings, why want to questioned it so much? Because worry the feelings will be gone later? Why worry the Later when you can't even handle the Now? Is it because the Now has not been carefully handle, that's why the Later occur?
Appreciate the Now, that is what I am doing. Is it right? Or is it wrong? Frankly, I do not know. I walk my life letting my feelings leading me. Is that right, or is that wrong? Wrong you may say. My reason, if I'm happy of what I'm doing, I continue; if I'm unhappy, I try to confront it; if to no avail, leave it for awhile, then only decide what to do next.
Am I starting to be selfish already? Both my looking serious relationship in my life, holds the same heartfelt pain. Both what I did and what I'm doing, no one is supporting, am I doing the wrong again? Maybe I should confront myself and tell myself, "You just can't handle your relationship well,"
望着你突然一阵心痛，一次又一次让那感情放纵。
你的脆弱让我走不开，你的依赖所以我存在。
想着你还是想到心痛，期待我做的将来你都会懂。
