过去的美

他在我的影子里，制造新的回忆。

我在他每一个步伐里，看见了我们的回忆。

咱们的债，还清了吗？

没有遗憾，

没有不舍，

从心祝福你！

注定

我等你在下辈子。

我的视野， 始终无法前进；任我如何努力，它还是停留当年。

真的，你过得很好，那就好了。

曾经我想过，那天你结婚了，我会怎么样？

没有答案。我以为，我不会勇敢面对；原来，我还是好好的，真的为自己证明了，我没有放不下。这，是种解脱。

如果你过得不好，我反而担心了。那天。还以为你失恋了，心酸得无法形容，不懂该如何安慰你。后来才发现，原来你或许是求婚了。哈！其实，你过得挺好的，没有必要我操心的空间！

真的，祝福你！：）

一个人的心声

一个人久了。。。好像变的孤僻了。

心里好渴望见见久违的朋友，可到了最后，却害怕了。

面对人群，面对朋友，心里是

喜，只是我也变得很沉默了。

所以，电话拿起了，又挂上了；信息写了，却保留着，久久没寄出去。

朋友们，你们还好吗？

有时候，是我让自己忙忙忙，好让自己有理由不出现在人群

中。

一个人上班，一个人为了工作到处遨游，一个人逛街，一个

人用餐，一个人增肥，一个人减肥；

这一个人的世界，真的好不健康。

那一天，我做了个决定，参与了一个团体，答应自己，踊跃参与。

恰好工作里的繁忙，又让我错过几次与朋友们交际的机会。

团体里的朋友都很好，只是自己不善于沟通，所以我又是那个站在原地，看着他人活动的那个人。

意想不到的近距离，亦让我畏惧参与活动。

我想，一个人久了，难免会有过分的自我保护吧？或许我还

没能学会技巧性的或坦然地面对不想要的近距离。

或许，一个人久了，坚强的奋斗，久了，也没了信心．所以

，孤僻了。

活在自我的世界里，每每在工作里跌到时。。。就好比掉在海洋中，为了生存而努力挣扎。这时候，信念与信心是何等重要！那份挣扎，若是漂浮在辽阔的海洋，无边无际，我可以坚持多久呢？信念与信心，可以陪着我多远呢？我一直坚持，一直努力着，日晒雨淋，再加上一涛又一涛的海浪，还可以吗？

一个人久了，也变得好在意别人怎么看看自己．

别人都说，人比人，气死人．　

我说，人比人，你还是别看我这不会打扮的丑女了．

近来剪了个发型，没多大差别，不过看起来好像笨笨的；警察先生还以为我是

偷渡来的中国同胞呢！

一个人久了，什么都变得简单了；话也没多说了；脾气好像

急多了；因为，渐渐地一个人铸成自己的思维城堡。。。　久了，就故意要让自己一个人了。。。这是自闭症吗？

我的朋友们，请让我为我的孤僻，向你们说声抱歉。

真的好想念大家。

Morning of the Day 24032010

It was a nervous start of the day. I have no shield for any attacks.
So, I woke up early, took a walk in the market, bought some curry puff and nyonya cakes. And then I took a slow drive to the destination.

There, I sat in the car, held my note book in the hands, looked through it as I calmed myself. A BMW parked next to me, so near that the driver barely have any space to get out of the car. He stared at me. What was the stare??
I went out of my car through the passenger door, and I took a look at the parking space, the car was just nice in the box; the BMW, there were plenty of space still on its left side. Well, I guess, the driver should stared in the mirror instead into my eyes.

As I dressed up in the changing room, I passed the cakes and curry puff to the staffs. And then, I look into the mirror, gave a big smile and told myself, "Well, work time!"

Sn You came to me,"Hey, Ernestine, this ah, I don't know why it's not working, ...."
Sn CS came to me,"Ah, Ernestine, this camera system..."

Everybody was busy and yet friendly, these two especially are those that very understanding. Sincerely, I thank you for giving me a chance to learn.

Halfway through the procedure, the surgeon said,"Ernestine, since you are still a young girl, I have a question for you, and this question is going to affect you for the rest of your life,"
Everybody in the room, stopped and listen,"What do you think is the principles of business? It's not merely earning money, you know, it's more than that,"
First thing came into my mind,"Honesty," before I speak it out, surprisingly, that was what's in surgeon's mind too. And then people in the room were discussing about it, and the surgeon shared his thoughts too.
Throughout the procedure, the display was bad, cannot consider as good in any sense, and I tried to make the best out of it. Yet you thank me for being there.

I am just so glad, am not the only person thinks honesty should be the principle in business..
Thank you for being understanding and generous, thank you for the motivation, thank you for the friendliness you shared, most of all, thank you for giving me the chance even though things do not seem to be in good shape now.

As I was leaving, "Ah Ernestine, have you received the forceps? Why every time like this? Why it is not working properly? ...." Yeah, that was a complaint, but I heard some smile behind them. A lovely morning for her, I guess, and I was lucky. Thank you too, for skipping a day and gave me a chance to be a friend.

It was a good morning.

Today 24032010

Another morning. I need to feel motivated in my job, but im not. Im talking to myself. The atmosphere changed again. Did i offend someone? Please tell me if i did. Let's handle it instead of you handling me. Dyamm.. today is one of those days im meeting some difficult person to work with. There must be reasons.. but what?.. today you treat me well, the others you treat me like im a stranger. You're affecting my work performance lar!! :(

13032010

I am so tired, I am so in need of a good massage; of a good night sleep; of a weekend getaway..
but I just couldn't sleep well at night.
Tried to watch television for some nice movie, well, The Game Plan was a good one though; after that, nothing much to watch.
Have been facebook-ing, but can't really play any games, for my laptop has been really sick, and it can't support the graphics.
So, I thought I would come in and start blog again.

12032010

It was a great morning when I woke up; till I got a call from GL, which told me Gmc complaint about the not working device.
Not going to say much about what I faced in Gmc, but seriously I think they are a big challenge to myself, in this career. Never say NO, for now. I will take the time, and wait for the day when I can confidently confront them.

I got some calls from some friends, whom I have not contacted for some time.
Denny, a guy who helped his dad in fried chicken business, then changed to banking line; now selling chicken eggs! What a surprise, and he stations in Klang. Wow... Had some talks with him over the phone, yeh, we have to meet up some time.

Billy, an old friend of mine, someone whom I've known since I was 4 or 5 (maybe); called me in the evening as I was on my way for my game - badminton. First thing came into our conversation, "Are you still wanting to go Hatyai?" I laughed and complaint right away, that each time I have plans to go Thailand, questions like such would come, it seems like I have to be stopped from going Thai. lol
We talked about recent live; and that how this year is a very good year for us, who was born in the year of Dog. He told me that it's a good year for career, and to further it, having a partnership in business is good. Overall, everything is good, those who was born in the year of Dog, this Tiger year, YOU ARE THE BEST! wow.....
hmm. I miss ya a lot, Billy.

Today's badminton, I didn't sweat much, it was peanuts... arghhh.. I am so in need of intensive sports now! Maybe I will start my gym again, tomorrow.

12032010

Time flies.. it really went pass me, so fast, that I am not able in catching up.

Why did I doubt about myself, being of who I am? Is it because I do not have the self confidence? Is it because I do not have anyone to share my thoughts with, just could not find anyone who actually listen and try to understand, instead of pointing at me,"You should do this, you shouldn't do that,"

I used to have a close friend, whom I trusted and shared everything that came through my every day life. And then as we grew older, things changed; the trust which was built, it was then being make used of. As the years passed by, this friend has became more and more of a stranger to me, it was a shock, and then I realized, maybe I did not know this friend well enough.. Along this friendship, I experienced the cruelty of TRUST and BELIEVE. Is it true of what they said, even in Believe, there is Lie?

Ngoh, how have you been there? I do miss you. I thought I would be tough and strong, going through this another learning curve of my life, but again, I am not able to hold onto the emotions, when it comes to human interactions.
I have talked to a superior, and I was given good advices. I was told, to not to judge people, because each person has their rights to live their life as they wish or desire; politics? It's everywhere, as long as it does not affect my job performance, then I should learn to ignore it; focus on the job, and then I will be happier.
How would it be not affect my performance, Ngoh? Each and every conversations involve interactions. I know I can't expect people to treat me well, but why treat me like I am invisible? Sometimes, they way they treated me, made me feel like they are thinking I am an idiot.

I think I am ill, Ngoh. I am so full with negativity; I am so full with depressions whenever someone ignored me or things did not turn out the way I thought it would be.. Should I go for a counseling? I need to talk to someone.. I need to let go of my expression.. No one would share or listen or try to understand; whenever I tried to talk, before I could share anything, they have already set in their mind,"oh, it is this situation, you should do this, not that," Some, even when I shared, they don't give a damn.. or would just say,"things will be okay, don't worry,"

I thought I have someone to comfort me when I needed, but I think I am only shadow. I want to go away, far away.. yes, run away from all these.
They use their perceptions and make me look guilty; I defended myself, and I voiced out; What did I get? Waste of energy..
I treated them truly, all I got was,"dramatic,"; It was not only a pinch in the heart, it was a deep cut.

I have no control of how people treat me, so I should not be emotional over these;
But, all these has made me doubt about myself... am I the problem here? What wrong did I do?

General, why am I hate to call him now? Where is the lost key to our communications??
Mumusan, the cut is getting deeper by days... I am not perfect, what do you want me to do, so that I am up to the standard??

The one person I can always look up for, whenever I called, I will get help; but always I will have to go through some scoldings. What is this?? I really don't need that when I need someone to listen or to talk to...

I think I know why I don't like to call General now... the coldness in his speech, could kill. Everyone kept telling me when I joined, that he is such a weirdo, to me, he was nice; everyone kept telling me, don't worry, he is very helpful, to me, he is a mystery, share no nothing; do you know how stressful it is to interact with him?
Who I can act completely stupid with? I would say whenever i am communicating with General, I always act stupid...
I don't hate the company, the products... I thought this is such a lovely family to be with; then the pinch I felt along this learning curve, became a cut in my heart.

Sometimes, I trust a person; but after some time, the doubts would arrived, who should I trust?
Truth is always shocking..

shhh.. trust no one... and I find it difficult to reach that goal...
I want to go away.. but I have made a promise.. how ler?

Myself

Work has been busy;
I love my job, I hate my job as well.

I miss my friends; I miss Valentine's;
I miss seeing sincere people; I miss being a happy girl;

The more you know, the more ugly the truth is.
And when truth hits you in life, for me, I will be sad. Why is the world, or the society is so polluted? Polluted in the mind, in their soul. You may not having a 100% pure soul, but hey, at least being true and sincere is much much better than cocky person.

I know, that's the matter of survivor in the society. That is why I always thought to myself, I am the alien.. I have a friend kept sharing with me about aliens base, aliens in our world, I do find it hard to believe; but I being an alien among people I know, ah.. I do not know how to express.

I miss watching movies; I miss going around and trying variety of food; I miss going cyber cafe and play 3D games that I do not understand at all; I miss having Cornetto middle of the night; I miss having double egg burger during the weekends; I miss karaoke-ing; I miss someone to listen and to talk whatever topics with no pressures; I miss mount climbing; I miss canoeing; I miss traveling; I miss listening to the adventures stories;

Can you share this with me?

sigh....
I have turned so ugly; I don't look pretty in pictures anymore; I love photography but I am not pretty anymore.
I live too simple, my mind too simple, is that why I am always alone?

I can't even think of what to write anymore.. i just miss being a happy girl

Where's the Click?

Today, 18th of the second month of the year..

I've quit blogging for some time, which also means I've been keeping things within myself. That feelings, sucks.
Someone told me about sharing, but sharing doesn't mean finger pointing and defending, and thus you understand more about the other party. Sharing doesn't mean you stereotyped a person and expect that person to defend should you were incorrect.
Sharing is when you have doubts, you speak it out, you voice it out, even when you have unstable emotions, you be yourself in front of the person you allowed yourself to share with. Sharing is when you loosen up yourself, and let go of your emotions, so that the person whom shares, listens and be a friend by your side, to console or to advice, or just being there for you.

I am not standing in the past, I may not as sensitive as I should be, but I am not standing in the past; so, do not compare; do not try to plant into the mind that I was comparing.

Did you know, that when I started keeping things within myself, it was when you started what you thought was sharing - the "your opinions" and "my "supposed" self-defend". I remembered the feelings result of harsh words from you each and every time I asked simple questions or direct questions; or even when I made a statement, I was badly influenced your emotions, plans etc... it seems whatever I said or did, was never agreed by you; I guess, that was the reason why I never say anything anymore. You did not help me grow, instead you shut my confidence off..
When I was emotional, you asked,"Why are you so emotional?"; I can't be emotional in front of you;
Agreed, then I smile; Disagreed, then I say thank you for sharing.

I put aside memories which are sweet, just so that you know what you wish to know, through - the sharing. I do not follow the book, because I have never read the book, I do not understand their love language. So, I did what I did, I understand a person, by his behaviour, by his attitude, by my observations, by times of disagreements occurred, by consoling myself that it will be better the next time we talk;

Work, I do it step by step;
Life, I let it go with the flow, with principles to hold.
Love, is a matter of heart, feelings is the key.

We do not clicked, you said.
We did not communicate well, I think.

Today, I asked my heart, it told me, "I need you to take care of me,"

You asked if i ever grab the chances and opportunities for myself... I did, in my way, which I thought I was doing so.

Definitions are varies for everyone.