That's why I guess.. zero complaint..

Two hours sitting here in front of my netbook.. wanting to write something, not something useful to share with, but something about my feelings, about how shall I express myself in current state. I can't seem to find some nice way to express it. Well, expressing anger, disappointments, sadness etc, it doesn't need to be nice, we could just simply write it out. But.. I would really really want to write something which can describe exactly how I feel, at the moment..

I feel like crying.. I feel so helpless.. I feel lost.. I feel lonely.. and I feel there is too much to write, which I do not know, from which point of my life exactly, that I should start writing about. As the matter of fact, I just wanted to write about my current relationship, which is only 3 months old! And why I can't seem to write anything at all about it? I have cried so much, I have had the laughter too, but why.. am not in any words to describe them?

Once again, I just feel like, I want to give up everything, I want to run away, far away again. I can't, I really can't afford another cry. Maybe.. the wall is up again, without I knowing this time. but I do know, I do not want to come between anything or anyone that is matters to him, and make him in a difficult situation. but heck, why am I still thinking about this at the minute, when the fact is, I am totally disappointed of how I was treated. He couldn't be bothered to bring to talk, should I am in any situation like emotional or moody. He would just walk away and ignore, and only talk to me later, as if nothing was wrong with me.

I don't even feel like writing now.. the more I write, the more I feel the sour in my heart. Why must I put myself in such situation? Where has my courage and pride gone? Why am I keeping silence when I am being treated this way? Too afraid of losing a relationship? Or too afraid of arguements? I hate arguements.. I hate quarrels..

Over the years, I have built up an attitude of I ain't gonna quarrel with anyone.. is that the reason why I am in this mess of my relationship? I just keep quiet; I complaint, but only to others.. I am one messed up person.. I am stupid.. sigh.. my relationship, ain't gonna go far.