Emo attack

Sadness,
once again filled up my heart.

What have I done, I asked myself. I guess, nothing much to do either at work or after work, that has make me think too much again. I've tried to make myself busy with activities; I've tried spending money like i am afford to; I've tried to write again, but everything seems to lead to loneliness again, everything seems to lead to the past again.

It's not I'm not happy of what I have now; I had a chat with my brother the other day, and i found myself, searching for the satisfaction at work... I do not have it.. he asked,"What satisfaction you are looking for?" I tried to explain, but it seems he just couldn't get what i was trying to say. I'm just not this kind of girl, whom wish to just sit at her desk, from 9-6 everyday... I will never forget, that there was one weekend, I was so happy, which I had spent it this way -
Saturday 10am - 12noon Squash; 12noon - 1pm Lunch; 130pm - 330pm Roller Blading; 4pm - 6pm Tennis; 630pm - 8pm Dinner; 9pm - 11pm Badminton; 12am Bowling;
Sunday 630am Dim Sum Breakfast; 930am Canoing; 130pm Lunch; 3pm Karaoke; 8pm Dinner.

You may say,"This girl is insane!" but to me, that's life! And to me, work must not take up most of your time. Even if it must, it must be something you are happy about, something that make you feel good about yourself.
I want something adventurous.. how do i fit myself in the field? Where to start? I asked and asked... answers given were always, "wake up, and be realistic!" "Go into sales!" "Go work in factory!" ...

Once i told myself, maybe I'm just lonely, that's why I'm still lost. Maybe when I found someone special, I'll be alive again; but... it's just ain't going to happen that way, because it's within myself..

Every morning when you wake up,"Oh, a new day!" or "Sigh, another day at work.."? Mine, the latter one.. i could even cry thinking of it.
I tried the method, "You have the choice to choose to be happy, or to be unhappy today"; It just didn't work well, alright?
I've tried telling myself, be open, accept what has come to you, and look into it, learn about it, and you may find the interest in it.. but it's just so not me...

Am i just being stubborn here? i do not know.
I thought i will be happy again.. but clearly I am not.
I thought I'm strong and tough.. clearly I am not.
I thought I could build the interest.. clearly... I am not. I don't remember of what I've heard, or what I've read.
Of all, I guess, I'm just complaining here, maybe I didn't put much effort?

Of all.. I know, I am not happy. I'm supposed to live everyday, happy and filled with experiences.. but no.. it's more on "life's sucks!" and yet I kept pursuing myself,"life's interesting, it's how you make it interesting!"

Yes, I did do some activities, but no, I'm not happy, for the majority of my time are spent sitting in an office...


Anyway, I was at "What have i done?"... yeah.. I've been asking, did what I've done, wise or stupid. Am I being selfish once again? ...

Four months without work, I was much happier than now.. am I freak or what?
man.. i seriously no idea what am I talking now.. It's all messed up in my mind.
I'll write better next time.
Ciao now.